What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 22.06.2025 05:51
But ive been too sick for many years..
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Why did i forgive my father ?
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
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As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Comes on , in middle age.
Ive learnt so much.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I waited trembling.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I was scared of men, in general
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
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Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
My family never makes their pension either.
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As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
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Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
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Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
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I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
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I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
So whats the point in blame.
What is something you want to "get off your chest"?
(And it was in our own minds.)
Was to survive, this bastard.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
She loved him until the end.
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Especially a lifetime of it.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I have no regrets .
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I don,t even have a pension.
It was going to be , some day.
She was in good health!
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But, we were locked up after school.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
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They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
My life is so biszare .
We all went to grammer schools
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
One cannot live in the past .
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
I never cut or harmed myself..
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
What did i know ?
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
I could never make a relationship work though!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
She married twice! .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
So, i spoilt her more .
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
He resisted the act ,that day.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
And who doesn’t know suffering?
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He knew the spot.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
I said to her
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I was very sick at this time too.
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
I was 9 years of age.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We were not on the streets..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Im dying but, im not bitter.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
She wouldn,t have been !
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
When she asked me how she looked .
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I was seconnd youngest,
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
I think the readers, may guess!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
She found it foreign!.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
This is soul school!.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I will be 64.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I couldn’t, believe it.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Would this be the day?
And i lived it daily.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im still living with it.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
I write beautiful poetry .
All the time i was locked up.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
This is how, and why children get BPD.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
Who then, do I blame.?
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
But it wasn’t much.
Put me off passion for life!!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.